Killer trees

I am poised behind the gurney. My goal? To jab the Mr. Skosana with (hopefully) a whopping dose of tranquilizer.  Not for the first time I long for one of those dart guns which lucky game rangers use to fell angry rhinos. There are a few obvious drawbacks. Firstly, psychotic patients tend to be smaller and more nimble than galloping rhinos. Secondly, my coordination skills leave much to be desired.

A few minutes later and Mr. Skosana is sedated and doing his best impression to look harmless,  contentedly nibbling at his restraints. His main problem, it would seem, is a scourge of stalking trees. I nod seriously. I think back to that excellent chapter on managing tree paranoia we did in medicine. Not. Time to improvise.

The agreement strategy: Reality doesn’t seem to be an option (and is anyway highly overrated in most cases). Google ‘management of killer trees’. Bingo!  Avoidance. Not too many trees loitering about at Bara so he’s probably safe for now. Best to be rid of indoor plants (probable co-conspirators). I recommend a few sacrificial offerings of fertilizer.

The rational approach: I rapidly run out of killer tree strategies. A chainsaw? I indulge in a little fantasy of Mr. Skosana sprawled under a hefty oak.  A brief stroll down the lane of logic leads to the only plausible explanation: Mr Skosana exists in a hateful herbaceous parallel universe. I try half heartedly to talk him over into my one but we've got killer people over here. Think he's better off with the trees.

Drugs FFS: Prescribe. Prescribe. Prescribe. Ah. The joy of antipsychotics. The screaming seems to have dimmed. Maybe trees just don’t like all the shouting? I’m in full agreement. At least I have the comforting delusion of treating him. 

If the voices talk to you, should you talk back?

If someone really is hearing voices (called auditory hallucinations, not your mother-in-law) there’s a whole scientific community debating how best to handle it. My brother is a ventriloquist so obviously I can see how talking back could lead to a career.

If you’ve ever been around someone with mental illness, a head injury or dementia you’ll know just how awkward the whole thing is. Should you tell granny that Uncle Bob is actually dead? For me it depends how many times I have to tell them.

For those living with schizophrenia or a large bump to the head, they may well know that the ‘voice’ or ‘person’ isn’t real. But its still chatting away to them. Previously we told patients to ignore the voices – play scrabble, watch TV, read a book.

I delighted to hear (no, just read actually) that this is all changing. Patients are encouraged to challenge the personalities (usually depressing, self-destructive rather nasty creatures) rather than ignoring them. Specialists are worried it may give the voices more power – make them more ‘real’. But I guess that’s easy if you’re not the one with the psycho living in your head!

A fascinating account from a guy with paranoid schizophrenia explains how the negative voices have become less frequent since he started addressing them. http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/apr/04/mental-health-health-and-wellbeing  I know Martha Beck advocates giving them names (she calls her negative alter-ego ‘Fang’ and anything coming from ‘Fang’ is not to be believed).

More problematic –the guy now has a new young, friendly voice which also chats to him. He’s a teenager who is ‘mischievous and funny’. Technically this is not a good sign – he’s hearing voices. But if you’re going to hear them, might as well get them to make you laugh. I wonder if he’s considered getting a puppet?

Lizard pill anyone?

The headlines this week are doctors muttering about the FDA’s decision to approved a new antiobesity drug called “Qnexa.” Qnexa is a combination of an already existing weight loss drug - phentermine and topiramate, an antiseizure agent – which is fondly knick-named ‘the stupid pill’ for some if its special side effects – forgetfulness, clumsiness and reduced overall braininess.

This has been followed up with a recent chemical breakthrough. A drug made from the saliva of the Gila monster lizard is the new treatment for chocolate cravings (no, we can’t imagine how they discovered this). Maybe if you take Qnexa you’ll be silly enough start swallowing lizard venom?

Go getters are just after their next 'fix'

Slacker or go-getter? Apparently it’s all about how much you’re willing to do for dopamine. A study published in the Journal of Neuroscience used a brain mapping technique compare slackers vs go-getters

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It seems that some of us are hardwired to release rewarding amounts of dopamine while others are not.  Dopamine is the reward neurotransmitter essential for survival. It wires us to do things like eat, drink and propagate the species.  It’s also the neurotransmitter associated with addiction (we’ll do anything to get a ‘fix’ of dopamine).

Using a brain mapping technique called positron emission tomography (PETscan), the researchers found that "go-getters" release higher amounts dopamine in areas of the brain known to play an important role in reward and motivation. Slackers don’t.  Go getters will therefore continue to work hard so that we can get their next dopamine dose.

The bottom line is you should be demanding some neurochemicals to go with that pay rise.

The myth of multitasking

In a world of multimedia overload, maybe you’ve found yourself, reading a magazine, watching TV and scrolling through smses. We’re all guilty of it - media multitasking. But apparently we’re not very good at it.

In a recent study a group of researchers cornered some college students over a month, monitoring their media use. The findings showed that multitasking often gave the students an emotional boost, even when it hurt their cognitive functions, such as studying.

The study coordinator concluded that while we may believe multitasking makes us more productive, we’re all swallowing one big lie. What multitasking does do is boost our mood. Apparently the satisfaction of multiple jobs done is better than a job well done.  Multimedia keeps us happy and that’s why we keep doing it.

Does my chin look big in this?

And the fastest growing plastic surgery trend is…. Chin tucks! That’s right. We longer care what happens from the neck down, it’s all about how you’re going to look in that all important head shot. These are the stats released on 16 April 2012 by the American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS).

Those ageing baby boomers true to form will let nothing – not even a double chin – get between them and their dream of a corner office. Apparently double chins are off-putting (or perhaps distracting) when your mug shows up on Skype for all the world to see.

The bad news is your chin and jawline are the first to head south when gravity calls. Step aside facelifts – it’s all in a decent chin! Apparently being forced to face a live video chat with our own faces in full view leaves much to be desired. I blame the angle of the camera. Then again if you lift your head nose hairs are more likely to make their unfortunate appearance. Start saving people – if you want that promotion that turkey neck has got to go!

Jilted fruit flies turn to alcohol

My favourite study of the week. A highly educated group of genius scientists are now monitoring the love life of fruit flies. Apparently our DNA doesn’t lie – we’re closer to a small irritating fly than you might think.

Scientists at UCLA have discovered that when male fruit flies are rejected by females (presumably they counted the number of ‘brush off’ lines from snarky female flies), male fruit flies are driven to excessive alcohol consumption.

To be honest the research raises more questions than answers:

1. a)   Can real scientific research be performed in a bar?
2. b)   Exactly how much alcohol is ‘excessive’ for a fruit fly? Were they flying drunk?
3. c)   The underlying mechanism is apparently a bout of depression from rejection. We have  depressed fruit flies? Does this mean we should stop swatting them?

Another giant leap in scientific discovery!